A Work In Progress

Annie

2012-02-04T22:59:00.001-06:00

Both Kyle and Kenton were in the school play Annie. Kyle was a radio announcer and Kenton was an apple vendor. They did so well. Here is a picuture we took after the play. I am so proud of my boys.

Conference and Mini Vacation

2012-02-04T22:39:00.000-06:00

I had a conference to go to in San Antonio, Texas this week. It started on Thursday but we left on Wednesday night. A friend and co-worker was also going to the conference. We decided to ride together and take our husbands with us. There is so much to do in San Antonio. While my friend and I were attending the conference during the day our husbands hung out together or caught up on some much needed rest. Once the conference was over we had fun on the river-walk. Kenny and I felt like we were dating, newly weds, and all together young. It is the first time we have been on any type of vacation without the children in over 14 years. Below are a couple of pictures of some of the things we did.

When we go somewhere special we get a cross to hang on my cross wall. I loved this one immediately.

We were eating lunch on the river and this poor duck was just waiting for us to drop something. They looked so sad...lol

Kenny and I learning how to use the front camera on his cell phone.

Kenny with the metal musicians.

Kenny and I in front of a water fall on the river.

Kenny talked me into drinking a margarita (2) and I was a little on the happy side.

Me in front of the water fall.

Me with the metal musicians.

Kenny and I held hands and got a mold of them in wax. I decided on the green sleeves to match my new paint in our bedroom.

Our best kept secret is now reveled. Kenny is Capt. Jack Sparrow.

We had such a great time together and plan on going back with the boys this summer so they can share in the fun. I am so grateful for a great conference and much cherished time with my husband.

Out with the old and in with the New

2011-12-28T14:58:00.000-06:00

The new year is quickly approaching and I am so ready for it. I do not have Year resolutions but rather new goals that I want to obtain. 2011 was a tough year. I lost 3 very close people this year and almost lost my marriage. I am so grateful to God for bringing me to my senses and for restoring my marriage.

My goals for this year are simple.
~ Make God #1
Go to church and get involved
     Pray without ceasing
~ Make my marriage #2
   Date night every Friday
         Devotional every morning
          Bible study every week
         Weekend alone every month
~ Get Healthy by eating right and exercising(With my husband)
~ Become better organized so that Kenny and I can spend quality time together and spend quality time with our children.

What do you surrond yourself with?

2011-12-02T16:14:00.002-06:00

Over the past couple of years I have slowly moved away from God. I didn't move closer to anything else, just existed. In the past 2 months I almost lost my husband and children because I was not obeying God. How can we obey God when we are not close enough to him to hear what he is telling us? For me, it is difficult to come back to God when I have chosen to move away from him. Probably guilt and the feeling of not being worthy enough to come back after everything I have done. This is not what God says at all. He is always there with open arms waiting for his children to come back home.
I am trying to rekindle my relationship with God and one of the biggest things I have noticed is that I am not surrounded by God or Godly things. So on that note I have decided to make some small changes in my life so that I can be closer to God.
1. I really do not listen to music much as I prefer the quiet. However, when it is quiet it gives your mind more time to wander. Needless to say if God is not there then Satan moves in and the thoughts that go through your mind are not healthy ones. So I have started playing Christian music in the truck and at work. I may not listen to every song, or every word, but the spirit is there.
2. Prayer...I know this is an obvious one, but when you have walked away from God it is very difficult to just jump back into being a prayer warrior. Therefore, Kenny and I make it a must every night to pray together. He starts and then I finish. This helps both of us be accountable to each other and it also helps me feel that I can still pray and God hears it.
3. Go to church every Sunday. We do go hunting so there may be a couple of weekends where we are out of town. We can hold "church" at camp just as well as we can go to church when we are at home. The important thing is to keep God number one and a priority in our lives.

What do you surround yourself with that keeps you close to God?

Fresh Starts

2011-11-29T23:51:00.001-06:00

In the last month my marriage has been to heck and back. Praise God that He intervened and we are on our way to a fresh start and a new begining. We have been together for 19 years and married for 10 of those years. Life had a way of getting between us and almost destroying a great marriage. To eveyone that has been praying for us, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
We are both very excited to have the opportunity to make our marriage better than it has ever been.
Kenny is the love of my life and I am his. God made us for each other and what God brings together nothing can tear apart.

Healthier = Happier

2011-10-17T20:40:00.001-05:00

I decided to juice fresh fruits and veggies for breakfast and lunch then eat a sensible dinner. I started that last week. Today I started incorporating exercise and I feel GREAT!!!
Check out my ticker on the top of my page. 8 pounds lost. Amazing
One day at a time and one decision at a time and I will reach my goal.
I want to thank a dear friend of mine...Sherry, for going through the changes of lifestyle with me. What a great motivator she is.

I don't expect my weight loss to stay this fast (although I won't complain if it does). But regardless of what the scale says, I feel better than I have felt in years and that is an accomplishment all in itself.
Now I am off to juice my breakfast and lunch for tomorrow.

Where is the resolve?

2011-10-09T14:01:00.003-05:00

I made the decision to do a 5 day juice fast starting on Friday. All day Friday I drank my meals of fruits and vegetables. Saturday I started the day the same way. Believe it or not I felt great! Energized and motivated. I went to the farmers market and liked what I saw, however, I did not think about it being a cash only event so I didn't buy anything. That is OK, now I know for next time.
Rachel and I went to see a movie and my plan was to eat a nice salad after the movie. As long as I eat or drink raw veggies or fruits I am fine on this detox fast. However, I did not plan very well.....
First of all, 15 minutes into the movie the electricity went out on the whole block. So we got a rain check.
I was starting to feel a little hungry but did not want to give in so we went to IKEA and walked around for an hour and a half. By the time we were done, my head was pounding from hunger. Rachel's fiance works and Chili's and we can get 50 % off so we went to Chili's. Again, I planed on having a plain salad with pico as dressing.
This was a BAD idea. Once I entered the restaurant all resolve ended when I smelled the food.
Needless to say that I ordered veggie tacos with brown rice and beans. That doesn't sound so bad except all the crap they add to it to make it appeal to peoples new found taste for flavor. So......
Now I am thankful that I am taking my life one day at a time. I messed up, didn't plan well and there will be consequences but today is a new day and I am back to juicing. I learned that I MUST be prepared and if I want something bad enough I will do what it takes to get it. No bashing myself though, just learn and don't repeat the mistake.
Amazing how much freedom there is in living one day at a time. Not an excuse to mess up or do what I know I shouldn't but a way to continue in my efforts to do better without the overwhelming guilt I place upon myself when I do mess up.

Shoe Therapy

2011-10-04T20:00:00.000-05:00

Today I went to a funeral for a sweet baby. That was one of the hardest and emotional things I have done in a long time. I needed something to take my mind of off the tragedy and what better thing than shopping for shoes.
I had the perfect pair of shoes in my head and cannot settle for anything less than what my mind and heart wants. The shoes...a pair of nude heels that are matte not patten leather. However, I found out today that what I want is apparently not in style :O

This is a list of stores I went to on my mission to find the perfect shoe.
Rack Room Shoes, Stein Mart, Ross, Marshals, DSW (for those that do not know about this shoe store, it is the size of a Kroger and has nothing but rows of shoes). On to the mall...Macy's, J C Penny's, Dillards (good thing I didn't find any there because they are so out of my price range), Shasha, Payless, Franchescas, Charllote Ruse,and finally...drum roll please...Aldo. I went in that store and I was so hot from the frantic walking and searching that when the guy asked me what I was looking for I said, "The shoe that is in my mind!" I proceeded to tell him what I wanted and lo and behold if they didn't have what I wanted. Of course this was too good to be true because they did not have them in my size. However, he ordered them from the warehouse and they will be shipped to me at no extra charge by the end of this week.
I will post a pic as soon as they come in. And the beautiful thing is that I already have outfits they will match.
Yes, I have bought shoes that did not match a thing I owned and had to buy clothes to match my shoes :\

And just for kicks check out these shoes...

Loss, Life, Love

2011-10-03T20:46:00.002-05:00

There has been so much human loss in my life this past year. In addition to the loss of my father in law, and both of my step moms, one of my dear co-workers and friends lost her grand baby on Thursday. She was only 14 months old and was ran over and killed. All of this loss has me thinking about my life and the people in it.

I am really grateful for what I have and who is in my life, but I started thinking last night about how much better is could and should be. I thought of all the little fights, arguments, disagreements, hurt feelings, the regrets.
I know everyone will have regrets, but I don't want to have so many. I want to learn to enjoy life and the people in my life more and stop worrying about being perfect. I get so wrapped up in trying to make my life a wonderland that I loose sight of the people who want just my love and attention. Of course I give love and attention to those people in my life, but I also spend a lot of time ignoring them in order to create my wonderland. Let me explain my wonderland...
A life that is organized, orderly, efficient, and effective. Everything has a place and in its place it should be(this is a loosing battle). A life where we all eat healthy and I exercise everyday. A life that consist of me working full time, going to college online, raising my children, and being a good wife. Being there for the few friends that I have and for my limited family. In the course of all of this, I try to perfect perfection.

In the end all that really matters is love. When I pass, no one will remember all that crazy stuff(or maybe that is all they will remember) but hopefully they will remember how much they were loved.

One at a time

2011-09-28T20:50:00.003-05:00

How many things is this attached to?
One day at a time
One step at a time
One decision at a time
I am sure you can add more to the list... The more I think about what these mean and the difficulty level of these things I realize that it is not hard to live by this type of thought process. Of course we always have to look ahead, plan, see the big picture but in the moment all we can do is take one step at a time. I have decided to implement this way of thinking in my daily life where eating, smoking, and exercising are concerned. I have a goal, I know what the big picture is but I can only accomplish my goals one day, step, and decision at a time. It is near impossible to do more than that anyway. One misstep does not mean you will fall. You can only live in one day at a time, and if you make a bad or wrong decision there is a chance to make the next decision better.

I am looking forward to one at a time.....

Riding my coat tails

2011-09-24T17:08:00.002-05:00

It is so frustrating when I am inspired to make positive changes in my life concerning health habits that my husband (who is in worse physical shape than I am) wants to ride my coat tails. Instead of looking things up with me or making decisions for himself, he just wants to do what I do. That does not sound bad does it. Well it is, because he does not have his own motivation it never lasts longer than a couple of days and sometimes it is all talk and no action. I watched the documentary called sick,fat, and nearly dead. I was inspired and told my husband about it. He was all on board. Lets do it starting tomorrow. So today I tried to get him to watch the documentary so he could find his own inspiration and he got all bent out of shape. I know there are psychological reasons for this but it does not make it any less frustrating!!!!

What a shame

2011-09-24T01:49:00.003-05:00

I was looking at my blog and noticed all the cancer ribbons that are on the right side. What is so terrible is that I had to add all of those ribbons this year. In the last 9 months I have either lost loved ones to cancer or helped them fight it. I am not fond of sickness, but cancer especially. That is leading me to wonder why and how in the world I still smoke!?!?!?!?!?!?! One would think I have seen enough and I would wake up one day and say "That's It!!!" I want that day to be now.
This requires much time in prayer with God. I need my heart, mind and body prepared for this undertaking.
I can use all the prayers you can muster. Thanks

So much loss

2011-09-18T21:53:00.003-05:00

My wonderful mom who went to heaven on 9/11/11

While most people were thinking about where they were on 9/11 I was in the hospital room watching my mom pass away. She passed away @ 7:35 on 9/11/11. She had vaginal cancer that consumed her body towards the end. Not only was she my mom (technically step, but I don't look at it that way) but we worked together everyday for the last 10 years. I miss her more than I thought I would. I know that sounds harsh, but in general when people pass, especially the ones who die from cancer there is already that preparation for the last day. However, I have cried more since her passing than I thought possible. We had her memorial service yesterday. She was cremated but we had a great picture that my sister found for me to display. I will miss her so much but one thing I have learned from all the loss I have recently had in my life is that I need to take care of my body.
That being said, I have 3 goals.

Eat healthy and lose weight

Exercise

Quit smoking

I have read in numerous places that I should not try to do both at the same time so I am concentrating on eating healthy and exercise. Once I have made that a habit I will concentrate on not smoking.

I recently acquired a free brand new juicer that I am going to incorporate into my daily eating habits. Starting with one meal at a time and working towards two meals a day. I have also read that juicing can help someone quit smoking. I am not planning on that but it would be a great perk!

Labor Day

2011-09-05T23:05:00.001-05:00

Today was not a bad day. Rachel came over and we went and got our nails done and then we went to her apartment. She has outgrown most of her clothes (poor baby). So I helped her get her closet under control.
Now I am helping Kyle with the remainder of his homework that could not be done earlier this weekend because he was very sick. All in all it was a good day.
This week is finals for me and a busy week at work so....... not sure how much I will blog, but I will try.
Blogging has been good for me. A safe place to vent and get out feelings that I really can't tell anyone else.

Just when life settles down...

2011-09-04T23:07:00.004-05:00

Just when it looks like all the drama in my life is settled down, more comes my way. Now mind you this drama that takes place in my like really has nothing to do with me but with the people I care about. I do not do anything out of the ordinary to cause this drama in my life. And for the record, I do not mind helping the people I love and care about. But must it be constant?
Friday, I get a frantic call from my cousin/best friend telling me her 14 year old daughter was raped.
Sunday I get a phone call from my dad telling me that my step mom has been discharged from the hospital and put in the care of hospice. Now this situation is really bothering me. She had cancer and had radiation treatment for the cancer. Since the radiation no one has checked to see if the cancer is gone. She also had gastric bypass surgery before the cancer which prevents her from eating or drinking enough. So now the Doctors have determined her life is over (based on assumption) and turned her over to hospice.
I can not sit back and accept this information, so now I have to help fight for her life while she lives in another state. I just went through this same mess less than a year ago with my father in law.
What gives doctors the right to determine when your life is over?????? They are mere men not God!
My cousin is getting no help from authorities. It is a holiday weekend so no investigators will be in until Tuesday. What in the heck????? The police have taken her daughters statement, but basically nothing will happen until Tuesday. The guy that raped her is still freely walking around!
I would ask the rhetorical question of what is happening to this world, but I already know.
It is hard to keep faith in knowing that God is in control when so much garbage is going on simultaneously.

Praying for continued faith and for the people suffering to find relief from their pain.

So much going on

2011-08-28T23:09:00.000-05:00

It has been a long while since I have posted on my blog. I actually miss it to some degree.
I have been busy with my school work. Going to college online is a lot harder than I would have thought. Talk about having major time management skills and discipline. In addition to that I am not the manager of the learning center of which I have worked at for the last 10 years. The previous manager who also happened to be my step mom has cancer and is no longer able to work. I am happy that I finally have the position. There are so many things I have wanted to change (for the better) for years but couldn't because I was not in the position to do so. Now I can create the work environment that has needed to be created for a long time now. Everyone there is happy and supportive of my new position which helps.
Rachel is on her own going to school and working, Heather graduated last year and is needing a major push to be the responsible adult I have been training her to be for the last 19 years, Kyle is in 8th grade and is learning the importance of being organized, and Kenton is in the 7th grade and hasn't learned the importance of anything besides himself yet.
My husband is doing great and seems to be enjoying the crazy ride we are on with everything that is going on in our lives.
We were going to a church that was about 30 minutes away. I know that is not far, but when you have a crazy schedule that is a bit far when the youth has things going on in the evenings starting at 6:30 and we are lucky if we are home by then. We went to a new church this morning that is only about 10 minutes away. Only time will tell if this is where we are meant to be. The boys didn't want to try youth today since we were not sure if we would attend again. Kenny and I liked it well enough to give it another shot next Sunday so the boys will go to youth so they can get a feel for their program.
All in all it has been a crazy and hectic summer and for the moment it seems as if things are looking more normal. Our definition of normal does not look like everyone elses...lol.

Another Day

2011-04-25T01:07:00.000-05:00

OK, so we all know that I suffer with depression and extreme feelings of being overwhelmed. The last couple of weeks have been extremely hard for me. I can not put my finger on an exact cause or event that lead me to have such a difficult time but that time was very difficult. I do not watch much television at all. In fact only in the recent year have I started to watch one show weekly and that was Bones. OK, so one night a week for 43 minutes I sat down and watched a show that I enjoyed. No big deal. Well I became interested in House. My sister (no blame here) brought me every season and downloaded it to my computer. Over the last couple of weeks I have lost myself in House. I watched 13 episodes in one sitting. Well I did pause to go to the bathroom but other than that I watched episode one right after another. I realize this is unhealthy and completely selfish, but I didn't care. On Friday my husband wanted to take our family to the beach for the weekend. I still had lots of school work to finish so I had to make a hard decision. YES it was hard, but I relinquished the external hard drive( where all the House episodes were) to my husband and told him to hid it from me and not let me have it.

I am praying that this is the beginning of me getting back to my normal self. I want routine, consistency, a schedule and to feel in control of my daily life again. With all the madness my life has had in the last year, all of that stuff has disappeared. I know I am not "in control" but I do need to have some control of the normal everyday things that must be accomplished daily.

So here is to a better start tomorrow.

2011-04-15T01:02:00.001-05:00

Depression. Can one be depressed and not know it? Or maybe know they are depressed buy its under control. Plai I take an antidepressant for feelings of ovewhelmness van that turn into clinical depression? Am I depressed? If so why? I know all the typical reasons. But I am stronger than that. What is stronger than me?

Getting my life in order

2011-03-20T01:13:00.000-05:00

I am in the process of getting my life in order and orgazized. I found a cool website that offers a free-ebook on how to plan your menu for a month.
Click
It is pretty much what we all know, but it does have some great tips, ideas, and free printables.
I have always wanted to plan my menu for a month and this site has encouraged me to do that.

Never say Never

2011-03-19T00:23:00.001-05:00

Today I received a phone call letting me know that my step-mom had passed away. At one point in our lives we were close, but the hurt built up and I no longer desired to have a relationship with her. I always thought that when she passed away I would not be affected...I was wrong.
The effect it had is not the typical "Oh, I am going to miss her". It was more like a wake up call as to how short life can be and thinking about all the people I have pushed away because I did not want to be hurt anymore.
Unfortunately, I am from one of those dysfunctional families in which hurt, deception, lies, rejection, denial , and so on were almost an everyday occurrence. Because of this, I chose to not have a relationship with anyone who hurt me or could potentially hurt my children in the same manner. That being said I have not spoken to my father in years, I do not even know how many.
I swore I would NEVER talk to him again, much less have anything to do with him.
Today all I have been thinking about is how short life is and that I have very few people in my life that I am close to. And that made me sad.
Earlier today I read a facebook post that my cousin wrote about my step mom and a scripture she quoted stuck with me all day. I could not get it out of my head.
"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4 (the last verse). How in the world could I ever think I was better than God?

After much prayer and arguing with God and my husband I realized that I needed to be obedient and practice that verse.

I called my dad tonight and we talked for almost an hour. I feel better, lighter, peaceful.

2011-03-17T22:38:00.001-05:00

What is my deal? I no longer have the will power to make healthy choices about food and exercise. This is not about my body image. It has surpassed that. This is about wearing my husband pajama pants a t shirts because nothing else fits comfortably. Is it depression, the lack of will power, or just hired of fighting an uphill battle. So frustrated.

Things to ponder

2011-03-14T16:26:00.000-05:00

So does accepting mean giving up? I am not sure how I feel about the concept of accepting my body how it is. I feel that translates to giving up on trying to change it. Maybe it is the way I was raised, maybe I feel that way because I have judged others for this same thing. What ever the case may be, I am not comfortable with accepting or quitting, or obsessing either.

Heavenly Father,
Your word tells me that my body is your temple, holy ground. How deep does that go? What is the limit? How do I know what is good enough weight wise, health wise, shape wise? Your word also tells me that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. Does this only apply to the inside?
I pray that you show me the truth in all this. Your truth is the only truth that matters. Not society, friends, aquaintences, co-workers, or family. Only your truth will prevail.
Reveal the answers to me in a way my simple mind will understand.
I love you Lord
In Jesus name...AMEN

Reflections at 40

2011-03-14T00:04:00.000-05:00

I turned 40 earlier this month and that has caused me to reflect on my life. I will admit that I had a minor meltdown about turning 40,however I am not in the reflecting stage. I do not think I am having a "crisis" of any sort. I do believe that I am really taking a look at my life and I can see some changes that need to be made.

1. Accepting my body the way it is. This does not mean that I will eat poorly or become a couch potato. Simply putting my obsessive body image issues to rest and focusing on healthy choices and exercise.

2. My relationship with God. I realize I have spent more time on my body issues than with God. That is not a healthy choice. God made me who I am and loves me as such. However, God does want to spend more time with me and that can not happen if I am spending all my spare time worrying about my body.

3. My relationship with my husband. Again with the body image issues. Those same issues have put a silent wedge between my husband and myself. Not so much that he notices, but in my mind I know it is there. I can not freely be myself because of my dislike of my own body. He loves me just like I am. He finds me HOT! He wants me daily. What more do I need?

4. My relationship with my children. A HA something that has nothing to do with my body. I do have a great relationship with each of my children. However, I forget that they are growing older and their needs of me are changing. Each of my children need individual time with me. This gives them the opportunity to talk freely with out the interruptions of their siblings.

That is a lot of reflecting in such a short amount of time. I am not trying to change it all in a day (even though I really wish I could). I am making notes daily so that I can improve each of these relationships over time. One thing I do not want to have is regrets later in life that I could have prevented. I already have enough of those staring me in the face.

RIP~ Richard

2011-02-05T02:00:00.000-06:00

My beloved father in law Richard Collins passed away January 28, 2011 @ 5:40pm. His funeral services were held on February 1, 2011.

He was an avid hunter and therefore requested to be buried in his camo clothes. As a tribute to his memory and the legacy he left behind all of the paul bearers wore camo shirts. It was a nice service, one that he would have been proud of.

He was a wonderful man, and he will be missed.

Rough Day and Hard Decisions

2011-01-27T16:24:00.000-06:00

Today has been a rough day for Richard. He was sleeping in his own bed but at 4 this morning I was awaken to my mother in law screaming for my help. Richard was hanging off the bed, head first about to fall. I was able to move him back toward the middle of the bed and I slept with him to make sure he didn't fall. This morning I made the decision that he must be moved to the hospital bed (that is already set up in their room) and he must remain in the hospital bed for his won safety.

He is no longer able to swallow his pain medication so I am giving it to him rectally (sorry for the TMI). This is actually easier for both of us than taking it by mouth.

We also decided it was time to stop hydrating him via IV fluid. The only reason this was being done to begin with is because in the beginning of the cancer he would get dehydrated for no apparent reason and his blood pressure would drop drastically. Now his body is in the dying stage and keeping him hydrated is going against the natural process the body goes through before death. It was a hard decision to make as we all know that he will become dehydrated and pass away maybe quicker than he would have otherwise. He is not suffering without the IV fluids nor has he asked for them. I told my mother in law that we pray for God to take him quickly and yet keep doing things to keep him here longer. So we are completely letting go and letting God take care of him.

Yesterday all Richard could talk about is needing to go to the farm. He was adamant about this, so we are taking him tomorrow to the farm. Sometimes when people are dying it is hard for the to let go of life if they feel there is unfinished business to take care of. We have prayed about it and feel a peace about taking him up there. I am going to take both back seats out of our Excursion(knew there was a reason we have not sold it yet) and will put a full size mattress in the back for him to lay on. He will be comfortable and happy. We are all praying that he makes it there and back, but if not that is OK too.

So all in all it has been a difficult day, but I feel at peace, ease and rest with the decisions that have been made.

How to stop hitting the snooze button

2011-01-26T13:35:00.000-06:00

I have the hardest time staying up after I hear the alarm clock go off. I have tried everything to not do this but as of yet nothing has changed my habit of hitting snooze and crawling back in bed. I have an alarm clock in my bathroom ( only a few feet from my bed) one between the bathroom and my bed, and my cellphone alarm next to my bed. I will hit all three snoozes and crawl back into bed. Doing some research on the internet I came across this most interesting article and once I know I will not be spending the night at the in laws a couple of nights a week, I am going to try the concept. Here is the link to the article.
Getting up right away

Today is an emotional day

2011-01-26T13:16:00.000-06:00

As I have previously posted, I am helping take care of my father in law today. It has been an emotional day for us. He is rapidly declining and so ready to go home to Jesus. He has not eaten in the last 5 days and is taking morphine more often. He cries out a lot and it is the sadest thing to watch and listen to. I prayed with him today for peace and comfort. That seemed to relax him enough so that he could fall asleep.
Next to my grandfather who passed away 5 years ago, Richard is the only man I looked to as a father figure. I will miss him more than I think I even realize right now.

On to another subject. I really need to make some changes in my life. I feel like I am living a chaotic and hectic life with no real schedule or even a defined purpose. I know at this time my purpose is to take care of my family and loved ones so for the moment I am trying to come to grips with the fact that I will not be able to start any new changes until I am no longer needed in this situation. I struggle with this, as I thrive off of routine. I am making small changes though to my eating. I can not use this situation as an excuse to eat what ever , when ever I want. I brought some lean cuisines with me along with some healthy protein bars. There is plenty of fruit here so I have no reason to eat junk. Although it is tempting and on some level comforting to eat the junk, I am not comforted by the tightness of my clothes or the tipping of the scale.

I am glad I am blogging again, as it seems to give me a place to vent and speak what is on my mind without fear of what others will think or say. Everyone's emotions are running high and it feels like walking on eggshells sometimes making sure that nothing is said that may be taken the wrong way or hurt someones feelings.

I guess this enough for now, although I have a feeling I will be back again later.

A fun Day

2011-01-22T22:25:00.000-06:00

Today was a fun day hanging out with Rachel and her best friend Becca. Dustin (Rachel's boyfriend) is wanting to propose in the near future so us girls went to look at engagement rings.

We ate lunch at Pei Wei and after all the shopping was over we went to the movies and saw The Dilemma. It was OK, but I recommend waiting for DVD.

Its been a year

2011-01-21T13:08:00.002-06:00

I have not blogged in a year, and so much has changed in that year. I have not accomplished most of the things I set out to accomplish in the last year. I should be upset about that but I am not. I have come to accept that God created me to live in what is called chaos. My life is never dull, boring, slow, on even ground, organized, or by most peoples definition normal. I am learning to accept that. Not in a defeatist way, but in the way that God would have me accept it.
In August of 2010 my father-in-law, Richard, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The things we went through would make you loose faith in the system if you had any to begin with. But that is water under a bridge. He has steadily declined and is at the point where he prays every night for Jesus to take him home because he is ready to go. I am able to stay with him 2 days a week to my mother-in-law can go to work and do some of the "normal" things people do.
That being said, I am still working full time, have children that depend on me and I will be starting my online college classes again in a week. I took a leave of absence last semester thinking that Richard would not make it past Thanksgiving, but I was wrong. I can not take another leave of absence without loosing my funding so I must continue forward.
This is the chaotic life that I live and I know that all situations I am placed in are for a reason and a season. I pray that my family understands that as well since I feel they are the ones who get the least of me.

A very crazy day (you better get a cup of coffee before you read)

2010-01-13T21:48:00.002-06:00

My day started out by me getting up to exercise. I came downstairs to turn on my laptop and hear a faint dripping sound. I turn on the light and look up and low and behold there is water dripping from the ceiling onto the floor in about 3 different places. I go upstairs to the bathroom and the toilet has over flowed. The floor is flooded. So I got a razor knife, cut the carpet and padding out from around the toilet( what genius thought carpet belonged in a bathroom especially the kids bathroom?) Got the wet dry vac and got up the water from the wood floor, then put a fan on it to help it dry. Go back downstairs armed with towels and poke holes in the ceiling sheet rock to let the water drain, wiping it with towels. I am looking around and notice the paint bubbling on the wall. Those bubbles are full of toilet water...ewwwww. Now please keep in mind this started at 4:45 this morning. I am finally done cleaning all that up and now it is 5:30. No time for exercise, must get ready for work and get out the door to take heather to school since she is still on crutches and can't walk to school.
Get to work, deal with that. Lots to do, so little time. Since I am taking heather and picking her up I am missing about 2.5 hrs of work each day. I had to leave earlier today because she had a Rheumatology appt. We go, and this is what is determined.
Heather probably has a rare disease called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome aka: Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. This is a rare disease that no test can determine or disprove. It is determined by symptoms alone.It is a chronic neurological disease. The Doctor does want her to have a bone scan to rule out tumors or growths. Waiting to see if the insurance company will pay for that. If that comes back normal I will start treatment for this which includes physical and occupational therapy to help her learn to cope with the pain. There are no known medications that relieve the pain. This is something she will have the rest of her life. It can go into remission but there is always a possibility it will flare up again. There is no known cause or prevention. It could take up to 18 months for her to go into remission and be fully functional again.
I get home at 6:30pm and the kitchen looks like a cuss word, and my wonderful husband and boys are all playing games. Kenny was so excited to tell me about this new Christian game thing he joined and wanted to tell me his new name. I told him he could tell me all about it while he was helping me clean the kitchen. I must have had that look, because he immediately got off the computer and started loading the dishwasher...LOL
I was able to get the laundry done, and the boys in bed by 9pm. I have done my bible study and now I am about to go crawl in bed.

A sad day

2010-01-12T20:29:00.002-06:00

The day started off well. I had my alarm set for 4:45 am and woke up at 4:27am. I decided to get up and get started on my day. I prayed, then ate a banana and drank a glass of milk before heading to the all wonderful elliptical machine. That thing will either get me in shape or kill me one or the other. So I started my day with prayer and exercise.
Work was busy, and I was not in the mood for people, but had to deal with those creatures any way. Heather got an appt with a Rheumatologist (sp?) for tomorrow. Got home, took a short nap since I was so tired I couldn't see straight.
Cooked a great dinner, and as soon as Kenny gets home he tells me that our kitty has been run over. So I have dealt with tons of raw emotion from my boys. This is the first pet they have lost. It was heart breaking watching them sob like that. We will have a burial service tomorrow in our back yard.
I managed to eat dinner. I have logged both food and exercise consistently this week...yes I know it has only been 2 days.
Now off to get ready for another day, clean the kitchen, switch laundry around and do my bible study.

My day in 14 sentences LOL

2010-01-11T22:08:00.004-06:00

I did it, I got up this morning and exercised, got dressed and looked soooo HOT!!!!
Ok well, I looked cute anyway. I managed to get breakfast down, only because my awesome husband cooked it, lunch made and the I go outside to get in the truck and there is ICE on the whole thing!!!!! :0 I get in and start it, run the wipers and duh, nothing. So I go in the house get a pitcher full of water and dump it on the windshield. I live in south Texas, I should not have to deal with ice anything at 6:30 am!
Alas, I made it to work. I love the way I feel after exercising in the mornings.I just wish I liked exercising!
This is a one day at a time kind of thing. I did it today, and I will do it tomorrow.
I am doing good logging my food, but forgetting to log my water :(
I am looking forward to Sat which is my weigh day.
I did 14,704 steps today. That is totally awesome!

Amazing Hot Chocolate

2010-01-10T20:59:00.002-06:00

For those of you who like mint chocolate, my sister told me how to achieve that and make it sugar free.
You get sugar free hot chocolate mix, and sugar free peppermint candy disc. You put the candy in the cup with the hot water and it melts. This is the most amazing hot chocolate I have had, and it is sugar free.
I just really had to share that. It really is the little things in life that make me happy.

Thank Sarah ((((HUGS)))))

Headache!

2010-01-10T13:57:00.002-06:00

I woke up this morning with a headache at 7 am. I got up and took some medicine and had to go lay back down. Its one of those ones that every movement is blindingly painful. I slept until 1:30 and still have the headache only worse. I decided to get my butt up and eat something and take more medicine. Praying that it goes away soon.There is so much for me to do for next week.
I don't foresee any crazy things for the week, so hopefully I will be able to stay on schedule.
Again with the 5 am workouts. I did 2 days last week let me see how far I get this week.

I did find a quote that spoke to me, and I put it on the right side of my blog.There are 2 of them, and they really hit me where I am.

Oh what a week...Pep talk to self

2010-01-08T14:30:00.003-06:00

For one I am so grateful that I decided before the new year that this was to be an ongoing journey. A journey to better health, living, to being a better mom, wife, and friend. A journey to get closer to God and put him first in all that I do. I am so glad that I don't have to "start over" when things don't go according to "my" plan.
I started the year with great ambitions and high hopes of getting up every morning and exercising, eating healthy for the day, spending time with God and my wonderful family.
This week lets just say we have been delayed on that particular part of the journey. As is often does, life happened that required me to take a different route.
I worked late every night this week except for Thursday of which I had to take Heather to the Dr. We got there at 1pm and didn't get home until 8. Now grated we did stop and eat on the way home :).
So this week, sleep and spending some time with the family was more important that getting up at 5 to exercise. Although I did manage to do it 2 out of the 4 days. And I ate good up until last night. But again, I decided to put my daughter first in what she wanted. We went to IHOP, and although I could have made better choices, I didn't and now I am over it and going forward.
It is the weekend again, so I will have time to get it together for the week ahead.
I must keep in mind that it doesn't matter how many steps I feel I may go back at times, it is more important that I continue to move forward. I can not stop moving on this journey, I must keep going no matter how many scenic routes I get detoured on. I have a family and a job. Things will happen. I will keep going forward everyday!

Busy Week

2010-01-04T20:22:00.002-06:00

Its gonna be a busy week. I went back to work today and the kids go back to school tomorrow. I have to work late on Tues, but am leaving early Thurs to take Heather to Dr Appt.
I am tired like no other, I did get up and exercise this morning and will do so in the morning as well.
I will spend time in Gods word tonight as I am laying in bed all comfy.
I will continue to seek God every day, keep track of my food and exercise, and blog.
Not sure how much time I will give to blogging this week, but I will post something...just to stay in practice.
Please pray for the Doctor to figure out the problem fast and that there will be an easy and painless cure.

Hmmmmm?!?!?!?!?!?

2010-01-03T09:38:00.004-06:00

For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16.
I read this last night before I went to bed. I was just skimming through my bible, reading and this popped out at me. I tried to ignore it, read other stuff but it has really stuck with me. It was one of the first thoughts as I woke up this morning.
I am really meditating on this today.

One another note. I went to bed at 3am and woke up at 8. I am proud of myself for doing that. I made a To Do List right before I read my bible before going to bed and I think that helped a lot with me getting up. Not just knowing that I had things to do, but it was like fresh on my mind since I wrote it down before sleeping. I have gotten my breakfast cooked for the week!!!!!
Oatmeal pancakes. I have read my bible this morning, cleaned out the fridge, and I am about to get the crockpot going for dinner tonight.
I still have grocery shopping to do, but will do that this afternoon.
Last night I rearranged my study and moved my exercise equip into the sitting room. So I am now taking up both extra rooms downstairs. Thank you Lord for providing me with such a big house that I am able to do this.
Well I just went to take a sip of coffee and the cup is empty. Going for a refill...

Out of sorts

2010-01-02T18:44:00.002-06:00

OK the last 2 weeks I have been off work, the first week was busy and productive, as it was the week of Christmas. This last week has been so bad for me. I have my days and nights all mixed up, sleeping way too much and getting way little done.
I have come to the conclusion that it is because I am not at work and my normal routine was way off, and I couldn't or didn't form a new one for this last week.
So I am doing my best tonight and tomorrow to get ready to get back in the swing of things.
I have to tweak my menu and then make a grocery list, and go shopping tomorrow. I will get my clothes ready for the week.
I am trying not to stress over it, and just move on from here. One of my biggest goals for this new year is to not start over, but just keep moving forward. If I fall, fine I will pick myself up and keep moving. This is a journey not a test.

Oh my heart

2009-12-29T09:18:00.003-06:00

As I was reading Psalm 139 as suggested by a dear friend, I was totally struck by the second to the last verse. Palm 139:23. Search me O God, and know my heart: test me and know my anxious thoughts. I read this last night, and the first thought that came to me was...I don't want God to search me or to know my heart. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I have been concentrating so much on my outer self, I have not paid any attention to what really matters. This morning as I am reading this scripture again, I come across 1Samuel 16:7...But the Lord said to Samuel,"Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
What has been on my heart is not pleasing God as much as it has been to please my own eyes with my outward appearance. Now I know that being healthy (eating right and exercising) are very important, because our body is the Temple of the Holy Spirit, Therefore honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Paraphrased by me.

What I am taking from this today is that focusing on my relationship with God and making that healthy all other things will fall into place. Spiritual health is most important, and the rest will happen. God has an order to all things and all things start with HIM.

Todays little nugget

2009-12-28T07:18:00.002-06:00

As I was reading my bible this morning these things stood out to me.
Ephesians 5: 15-17
Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.
Being careful on how I live, that really stuck with me. This is not just about my walk with God, but in all things that I do. There are so many things out there that either take the place of God, or we put in front of him. Realizing that everything I do is for God in some way, and that I should do all things as unto God. And then I read this verse...James 4:8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands you sinners and purify your hearts, you double minded.
God makes it so simple, and yet I tend to complicate things with legalism, or bad teachings. If I draw near to him, He will be there with me.

I am going to take this nugget and meditate on it today. I may come back and update and then again I may not :)

1 Step Back, 2 Steps Forward

2009-12-27T23:20:00.001-06:00

I read this on Spark People and wanted to share it. I found it so helpful in many areas in my life not just my eating and exercising.

-- By Mike Kramer, Staff Writer
"Fall seven times, get up eight." - Japanese Proverb
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials." - Chinese Proverb
"Never give in. Never. Never. Never. Never." - Winston Churchill
"Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance." - Samuel Johnson

These quotes all say the same thing. No matter how many obstacles you run into, what matters is that you’re able to overcome each of them, one at a time.

"Two steps forward, one step back" is usually a negative term to describe someone who is having trouble making progress. But switched around, "1 Step Back, 2 Steps Forward" means that instead of grousing or feeling guilty about a misstep, you can still come out ahead if you put your head down and push forward.

Steps back can take many forms: a family vacation, breaks in your routine, personal tragedies, injuries, or that lost weekend in front of the tube. A big mistake people make when trying to get healthier is that when they fall off a bit or something happens, they think they "have to start over". Wrong! When missteps do happen, a better strategy is to simply take two steps forward. You’re still ahead of where you were before, far beyond the starting line.

In tennis, losing one point isn’t the end of the world. It happens to the best of them. In fact, if you can consistently win a few more points that you lose, you may end up in the hall of fame. With healthy eating and exercising, as long as you’re consistently out-stepping your steps back, you’re ahead of the game. If you expect perfection (and many of us do), you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and guilt.

Guilt can be debilitating to your healthy habits. When you mess up (or even when things are messed up for you), it’s natural to feel guilty. At that point, you have a choice: to let that guilt plummet you into a cycle that could spit you out worse off than before, or to accept the step back and say "where do I go from here?"

Of course, consistent success is still something to strive for. You don’t want to roller-coaster up and down. That’s an "old" habit, remember? And the 1Step/2Step strategy doesn’t lessen the need to do your best. You should still work hard to keep those steps back from happening. But it helps to be prepared with a plan and a positive attitude for when they do happen.

Many times, this means a rededication, a refocusing, and a recommitment. You might want to look at your program and see why it’s allowing those landmines to stick around. Use it as a learning process. Ask how you can keep that misstep from happening again.

Take a walk in the woods to clear your head and regroup.
Have a personal "bounce back" motto that will re-energize you. Put it everywhere.
Take a break if you think you’re trying too hard.
Return to the basics. Are you making it too complicated and tough on yourself?
Plan ahead for irregularities in your schedule, call ahead to healthy restaurants, pack healthy snacks.
Stay aware of what you’re doing. One meal mess up can turn into a one day mess up, a one week mess up if you’re not careful.
Remind yourself of your success so far when you need a boost.

Unlike people who run 10 miles today because they should have run two yesterday, "2 Steps Forward" doesn’t necessarily mean doing a lot more to make up for a blunder. Just make a commitment to do things as right as possible as much as you can.

Rebelion and Grace

2009-12-26T14:34:00.002-06:00

I am not sure why but in the last couple of weeks I have gone through some rebellion when it comes to eating and exercising. I didn't want to do the right thing and at times even went out of my way to do the worst thing. I insisted at one point that I wanted to be fat, and to get fatter. I ran out of excuses and thought I would just come to accept the fact that I was not going to do anything about it. It is hard, tiring, time consuming, and sometimes downright boring to have to meal plan for every week and every meal, to come up with not just one exercise plan but a back up as well for those times when life happens. I got tired of doing it all. It is so much easier to just eat, and complain. But alas, I know that is not what I should do. And to tell the truth I hate listening to myself on the subject.
I know that I am to take care of my body for many reasons. This is something that God commands us to do. Not only because we are the temple, but because I am to be pleasing to my husband, I am to set an example to my children, I am to not give in to temptations that will hurt me(health) and I am to be disciplined in matters that are hard for me.
I do not deserve the Grace that God has shown me as his stubborn child, but he has lovingly given it to me. If he can show me grace, I must be able to give myself some and pick up and move on from this point on. I am not starting over, I am moving on. This is a journey and there will be bumps in the road, I will stumble and fall but that does not mean I have to go back to the starting line, I simply must pick myself up and move on from that point.
I am preparing for my week ahead, using tools that are available to me. I am also going to be starting a new bible study.

2009-12-16T11:52:00.002-06:00

Last night I signed up to do the Lords Table with Setting Captives Free. I used the program to help quit smoking. It is biblical based and it draws your closer to God and what he wants for and from you. The focus is doing all things as unto Christ. To give Him the glory and not yourself.
I am looking forward to getting closer to God on my journey to better health.

Last night I noticed that my jaw was a little off. Not pain, but uncomfortable. This morning I wake up and I can not close my mouth. I can close my lips, but my teeth will not meet. This is proving to be difficult in trying to eat. I am taking small bites and chewing slowly. That is funny, because that is one of the things I got from my lesson last night. To eat slower, enjoy your food. I usually inhale my lunch as I work at my desk.

Now for what we have all been waiting for...TTP

Work
10 min brisk walk(at work)
Home
cook dinner
take heather to work
balance checkbook
2 loads of laundry(didn't get done yesterday)
work on enrollment form template for work

Trying to conqure overwhelmed

2009-12-15T10:30:00.004-06:00

I do have a small problem with feeling overwhelmed most of the time. Not a good thing when you have a big family, a full time job, and a busy life. Needless to say, I am trying to come to the realization that all my ducks will never be in a row (at least not for long). Now that being said, there is the perfectionist, all or nothing person inside of me that is screaming! I can not work in chaos.
Well with God all things are possible. I am kinda thinking He is trying to teach me something(and has been for a long time) I am not in control of my life, He is. I need to chill out and stop thinking it has to be all or nothing, stop thinking all my ducks have to be in a row at all times. Stop saying I can't work in chaos. I thought I would never quit smoking, but with God I did. I thought my marriage would never be what it is now, but with God it is, I thought my oldest daughter would grow up to be a rebel and out of control, but with God she is a beautiful woman with a heart for God. So who am I to say I can't.
I know I have to have a plan but I also have to be OK with that plan not working on any given day. That is where I mess up. One day gone wrong and I just stop. So I am coming up with a plan and a back up.
I also have realized that I try to do too much at one time. Make too many changes, and then wonder why it does not work. I didn't get where I am in a day, a week, a month or even a year. It took a while to get to this point and I have to realize that it will take a while to get where I want to be, and more importantly where God wants me to be.
Right now my life is pretty busy, so I am not looking at a big long term picture for the rest of December. I am planning one day at a time. I will have a general idea the night before, but as the day progresses so will my plans. I will post Today's Tentative Plan= TTP daily and then at the end of the day I will update the post.

TTP

Work DONE
Desk workout DONE
Take Heather to her MRI DONE
10 Min on elliptical NOT DONE
Complete 2 loads of laundry (wash, dry,fold,put away) YEAH RIGHT

Back to the basics of life

2009-12-14T21:29:00.002-06:00

Once again I find myself back at the beginning. Eating, exercising, planning, finding motivation...all those things and more are eluding me at the moment.
I thought about it today and got discouraged and encouraged at the same time. Discouraged because I seem to take one step forward and 2,3,4 back and I get tired of always starting over. On the flip side I remembered how many times I tried to quit smoking and had to start over but finally one day it happened. I quit!
So I will continue to start again and again for as long as it takes to finally succeed.

Update on my life

2009-05-07T21:52:00.003-05:00

Not a lot going on. And yet I feel so busy. This last weekend was Kenny and Kaelynn's birthday. Chad and Sarah brought Kaelynn over and spent the weekend. Kenny got encyclopedias and Kaelynn got an Elmo phone.

That is about it. I will post some pics some time this weekend.

How to build a fence

2009-05-04T08:16:00.002-05:00

HAHAHAHA

Saturday as I was helping Kenny and our neighbor Ryan tear down the old fence, I hit myself in the head with a hammer. This required a trip to the ER and 5 staples. I felt so stupid going in there. I didn't feel it happen, and really don't know how I did it. But there was a gash in my head about an inch long to prove that it was real. Just thought I would post it here as a reminder of how hard headed I really am.

Kaelynn comes to visit

2009-04-20T19:01:00.003-05:00

Kaelynn came to visit this weekend. It was a 3 day visit :) She is 11 mo old and walks everywhere. She is so sweet and lovable. I love her even though she woke me up at 6:30 on Sat morning :O. I so enjoy being a grandma. I can enjoy her but not have to deal with the day to day raising. I think that is what makes grand parenting so nice.

Trip to the zoo

2009-04-04T22:10:00.005-05:00

We went to the Houston Zoo on Friday. My mother was down here for a visit. There were so many animals out, maybe not playing but you could at least see them. Like that sleeping Lion.

I got lots of great pics, but don't want to spend the time loading them all. LOL

It was Rachel's 19 birthday, but she had to go to school and work so she could not be with us.

That evening we made her favorite dinner and cheesecake. We watched Prince Caspiean.

it was a great day.

The Park Today

2009-03-21T18:13:00.003-05:00

Today we (Heather,Paige, Kyle, Kenton and myself) went shopping and didn't find a thing.

We had lunch and then went to the park. We played tag. Which I found out that I am not as fast as I thought :( and we played dodgeball. It was fun, the weather was beautiful. Warm and breezy.

The consequences for Hiking

2009-03-15T16:57:00.002-05:00

I thought we had a bad case of fleas. I fell asleep on my couch the other day and woke up to a horrible bite like rash on different parts of my legs. We just got a new cat so I thought we had fleas. My sister told me that eucalyptus oil with water will help get rid of fleas and no pesticides. So I went to Whole Foods and bought the oil. Came home and vacuumed each couch all the cushions and sprayed like a mad woman. It took me 3 hrs to do my downstairs.
I showed Kenny the bites and he told me they didn't look like flea bits. Besides no one else in the house has been bitten.
Kyle had a crazy rash behind his knees. So I looked up poison ivy, and guess what that is what Kyle and I have.
Thank goodness we don't have fleas, but man this stuff itches.
Upside, I found that I love the smell of eucalyptus in my house. So I will be spraying that to freshen things up from now on.

I love Hiking

2009-03-08T15:53:00.008-05:00

Kenny and I have started going hiking through the woods as a form of exercise. I love it. It is not vigerous but I love being outside in the sunshine and fresh air. Here are some pics of what we came across.

My Birthday present

2009-03-03T22:02:00.003-06:00

I truly have the best husband ever. Not only did he just buy a brand new dishwasher for me 2 weeks ago, but for my birthday present I got the bestest vacuum cleaner that I have ever had. I vacuumed my living room and had to empty the canister twice. I know it is gross, but now I know my floors are actually getting clean. Oh and to think I have had my grand baby all over my floors.
It is the Bissel Healthy Home vacuum. My sister has one and she said it was the most amazing vacuum. I figured it had to be good, she has a dog.
So that is what I got. Thanks Sarah!

Have you ever...

2009-02-28T10:25:00.003-06:00

Felt like so much was changing in your life that you just wanted to hit the brakes and scream STOP!!!!!!? Well that is where I am at today. The Lord is changing so much in my life, I wonder how in the world am I going to keep up with all of this.
My husband and allowing him to be the Head(under God of course)
Kenton and his whatever the therapist called it
Rachel and her ups and downs
Heather and her struggles in school
Kyle going through his preteen stuff
I am quitting smoking
I am starting to exercise more
Trying to find the best way to feed our family
I know many people who have this all under control. Well at least they appear that way :)
I just want there to be a norm. I know that things will happen and change, but I would like to think that there is a norm to compare it to.
Maybe I ask for too much or even the impossible.
I don't want normal, what is normal anyway. Just a norm for my life, my family, my household.
Have you ever watched a fish that is out of the water on the bank of a lake? They are gasping for air and flipping around wildly trying to get back in the lake(that is their norm). That is how I feel most days. Gasping for air and flipping around.
Not a pretty site I assure you :(

To all who follow me

2009-02-27T22:51:00.002-06:00

I just wanted to let you know I created a blog just for my quit. I will be posting in there a lot. You can visit it by clicking on the link on the right side of this post. The journey to my quit. There is also my journey with God as well.
I will need all the encouragement I can get so please feel free to comment on my post.
Thank you :)

The countdown starts

2009-02-26T12:16:00.004-06:00

Only 3 more days after today until my quit date. I am excited and scared at the same time.
I want to quit so badly. I will miss it during the times I really enjoyed smoking. But I will not miss the breath, smell, cost, bad health effects, the cravings, the criticism from other, the disappointment from my husband and kids.
But most of all I want to be obedient to God and treat my body as the temple he created it to be.

Tough Realization

2009-02-25T21:37:00.002-06:00

I just realized the other day that I am going to be 38 yrs old on Monday March 2. I seriously thought that I was 36 going to be 37. Where in the world did that year go. I lost it somewhere. I didn't think I would have a hard time dealing with getting closer to 40, but I am.
I pray that the Lord helps me with this.
UGGGGG

On My Way

2009-02-22T20:11:00.002-06:00

My official quit date is March 2, 2009. I have only had 4 cigarettes today and I feel really gross after I smoke. I am praying that I can quit sooner, and that this is a great beginning. I do keep forgetting to take my afternoon pill though. I remember usually later in the evening. We will see how I do. I need to make sure I do something constructive while on the phone. That tends to be a trigger of mine. I have increased my exercise as well. I am striving for a healthier lifestyle not just quitting something, but starting something new and better.

Subduing a very strong child

2009-02-18T21:36:00.002-06:00

Today was the first time I had to physically subdue Kenton. It is a technique that his counselor told me about. So the good thing is I don't have to let him destroy things, the bad thing is he is so strong. We were on the floor a good 20 minutes the first time and about 15 the next. All I do is wrap my legs around his and hold his arms behind his back with mine. We were sitting on the floor and I am praying in his ear the whole time. That little blessing can fight. I know that with God this will all be ok. It is just so hard to do that to a child that I love so much.
Praise God that Kenny is really stepping up and keeping on top of things as far as Kenton goes. He may not listen to me but he does his dad. I have been praying that Kenny would get more involved with the kids and this is an answer to my prayer. Not exactly how I pictured it, but God is in control and he knows what is best for my family.
On a side note, I was able to exercise interruption free for 53 minutes tonight!

My Valentines Day

2009-02-14T18:56:00.002-06:00

Today was Valentines day. We have never celebrated this day before so I was very surprised that Kenny actually wanted to do something today.
He took me to breakfast or more like brunch. We had the best time. We had to wait a while for our food and so we played around like little kids. We had a straw fight and threw little paper wads at each other. Sounds childish but it was just plain fun.
Then we went to his favorite electronic store and did a little shopping. After that it was my turn. We went to all kinds of stores just window shopping. Had lots of fun. He opened doors for me, we laughed and dreamed about things together. He bought me a beautiful picture to hang in the living room.
It was a day to remember, just him and I holding hands and enjoying each other with no one else tagging along.

I have the greatest husband

2009-02-12T20:45:00.001-06:00

Today my husband called me at work to tell me he was going to cook dinner. He went to the store and bought what he needed on his lunch break. He came home cooked dinner, laughed and played with me and the kids and even helped Kenton with the kitchen.
Thank you Lord for giving me such a wonderful man.

We have an appointment with a counselor

2009-02-10T13:06:00.002-06:00

Today is the first appointment for Kenton with a counselor. I am praying that she will be able to give us some insight as to why Kenton has been acting out so much. He totally refuses to do things no matter what the consequence might be, not only at home but at school as well. I just want to find the root of the problem and come up with a solution to help him. I know he is so unhappy, and I can't help but wonder what I have done as a parent to contribute to that.
Anyone reading this I would appreciate your prayers.
I will update when we get back

Newest addition to my livingroom

2009-02-07T15:06:00.002-06:00

Kenny took me shopping today and bought me this beautiful rug. It looks gret with the new paint job. Next item is a round end table to go in the corner between the couch and loveseat. I have a standup lamp there right now.

A really good day

2009-02-02T22:19:00.001-06:00

Kenton had a really good day today. He got up with no problems. He had a little homework to finish and he did it without any problems. Tonight he did all his chores, we cleaned the kitchen together. He did his homework. All without attitude or problems. I give God all the glory and honor for this. Today would not have been possible without God intervening in our lives.

Painted my Living Room

2009-02-02T21:48:00.003-06:00

I painted my living room this weekend. I love it! I have never done anything so bold in my house before. I can not beleive how much work it took though. I had to prime all the baseboard,window sills, trim around fireplace and the mantle. Then I had to paint them. Not to mention painting all the walls as well. But I am loving it!

Have a new kid by Friday

2009-01-24T23:42:00.002-06:00

I just got the book last night and finished it tonight.There is stuff in there I already knew, I just needed to read it. At one point I looked at the acknowledgments to see if he thanked me for sharing my story. It really hit close to my house.I tried on of his suggestions tonight(actually 2) and I am amazed how well it worked. I know there will be good days and bad, but I do have hope now.Tonight we decided to go to Chick fil a for dinner. Kenton is the only one who wanted to go somewhere else. We voted and majority won. Kenton refused to go. I said OK, Kenny, Kyle and I went out the front door and I locked it. Just like we always do when we leave. Kenton was still in the house screaming he was not going. We got in the car and Kenny asked me if we were really going to leave our 9 yo at home alone while we went to eat. I said yes, of course I am praying. Kenny starts the car and I see the front door open and Kenton walks out, comes to the door of the car. I unlock the door and he ASK if he could go. I said sure and that was that. No fits, bad attitude, nothing. That is a miracle in our house.On the way the boys were fighting and carrying on, i told them once in a very calm voice to keep their bodies to themselves and to stop fighting. Of course they did not, and I didn't say another word. After dinner we went to a store and the boys were acting like a drunken monkey raised them. I looked at them and said , you know there are consequences for your actions. They laughed and kept on. Again I didn't say another word. We get home and they head straight for the wii. I told them to go get ready for bed. They did (thinking like times before if they get ready for bed they get to play longer) they came downstairs and I had a belt. I told them they were getting a spanking and asked them if they knew why. Both boys did and I said turn around and and they did it!!!! I couldn't believe it. After the spanking I told them they had to go to bed. It was 7:45. They were like WHAT!!! it is only 7:45 and it is Sat. I told them that there were consequences for their actions and it was bed time. I turned around and did something else. Can you believe they actually went to bed with no argument. I waited a few minutes and was coming upstairs and Kyle was coming out of his room and he asked me with a confused look on his face. Are you going to say prayers with us. I did and lights out. I know for most of you this does not sound like a big deal, but my boys are heathens. I take the blame for most of it as I have allowed them to be. Not anymore.God is so good.

I am doing it slowly but surly

2008-12-30T00:34:00.002-06:00

I am getting organized. I created a flow chart to help me when I get home. I only listed the things that HAVE to be done. If I get other stuff done then great if not then the important stuff is done and the other stuff can wait.
I am going to revamp my fly lady routines. Not everything she does works for me but I know what does and I want to implement what does work.
The timer for 15 min is a great help to not only me but the kids as well. Let me see if I can post my flow chart. I am rather proud of it. Very simple and basic but that is all I need.
OK so I can't post it. I just put stuff that needed to be done in a bubble and wrote the time frame above it. I don't care in what order it gets done, just that it is done in that time frame. If this works out, then I will have 2 hrs of free time each night. Praise God

Our Christmas

2008-12-27T00:47:00.005-06:00

This Christmas was a great one. The kids are happy with their presents and I am happy that I was able to spend so much time with my family.
We decorated cookies, made gingerbread houses and since we got the wii for Christmas we have spent so much time together playing games. I don't remember the last time I was this sore from exercising.
Kenton got a guitar and loves it. He defiantly needs lessons though :)
Kyle got a skate board and thinks he is Tony Hawk now :)
The girls got lots of clothes and a really cool MP3 player. They are beyond happy. I got a scope for my gun, a purse, wallet, some cool relaxing Cd's and a cool pic of hear, see, speak no evil frogs. Rachel and Heather got that for me since I love frogs.
All in all it was great.
I did not forget the reason for Christmas was Christ. Before we opened any gifts I read the Christmas story out of the Bible and we prayed. Then we opened our gifts.
I praise the Lord for the blessings he has given me and my family.

Riding the stairs

2008-11-18T22:40:00.002-06:00

Tonight the boys had the best time riding down our stairs. Is it dangerous? yeah and they love it! Kenton wanted to go down the stairs in my laundry basket. Uh, not a good idea. So I told him that he couldn't use the basket but i found him a cardboard box and he used that. The look on his face coming down those stairs is priceless. Kyle heard the laughter and decided to give it a try. He was too funny. I am so grateful that my children can run, laugh, walk, talk, enjoy life and the things around them.

Its been a while...

2008-11-15T09:24:00.002-06:00

It has been a while since I have blogged. Need to do it more often as it really does soothe me at times. I start to wallow in self pity and forget who is really in charge of my life. I have quit smoking agian. November 6,2008. I am doing it with God,family and friends. No meds this time. I am doing farily well, except for the little depression that I am in. Not really a depression just a constant BLAH. Energy level is low as well as motivation.
I know that it will pass and God will be glorified in this.

Time sure flies

2008-10-23T13:33:00.003-05:00

I have been away for a while. Life and such. I am back now and will be posting more often for those who care to read my stuff.
Kyle is now bow hunting with his dad. Not had any luck yet, but have spent some great time together. Kenton is playing baseball and he enjoys it so much. Heather is now working part time on the weekends and loves the money. Rachel is struggling with her life as a whole.

I have some pics, but can't figure out how to share them here, but I will look into it.

That is it for now. I will be posting more often as this is great therapy for me.

Stay Tuned...

I love my family

2008-09-29T22:40:00.004-05:00

I am so grateful for the wonderful family that God has blessed me with.
We have the greatest kids, each with their own spice in our lives, but it makes for a great dish when we are all put together.
I am in total awe at the husband that God blessed me with. Never again will I doubt his love for me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Kenny loves me and always will. I can let my guard down now and be loved. I am not in control, God is and that is the way it is to be. This is where you find true happiness. Laying it at the foot of the cross.

A few changes to my blog

2008-09-21T10:38:00.003-05:00

Not that anyone will notice because I don't think anyone really reads my blog but just in case I wanted to let you know that I have made some changes to my blog. On this blog A work in progress will be just whatever,everyday stuff. But if you go to the right you will see at the top where is says A deeper look at me. I will have various blogs for various things. Right now I have my Journey with God. If you care to follow my Journey you can go there.
I am so trying not to move all my prayers over as that is a lot of work. I started to but then I think maybe I just need a fresh start. We will see if my perfectionism/OCD kicks in and you may come in one day and it is all moved :).

Surviving Hurricane Ike

2008-09-20T21:19:00.003-05:00

My survival story; not really much of one but it is mine.
On Thursday evening September 11, 2008 Kenny and I decided that we were going to have to bring my grandmother(maw maw) to our house to wade out the storm. We picked her and her 2 birds up and came home. All was well until about 12:20 am Sat morning. That is when we lost power and the hurricane was coming. I have not been so scared by something that I could not see in my life. It was so dark outside and you just heard all these noises but couldn't tell what was going on. It lasted until about AM and then things started to calm down and there was daylight so I could see. We lost the back fence and side fence, lots of shingles and there is a leak in the roof. Praise God that is all there is. We were so very blessed, so many people had it much worse than we did. Our electricity came back on Sunday afternoon as we were at Frank and Flea's to pick up the generator. My maw maw is still with us as she has no electricity as of yet. That is another survival story all on its own. :) Me and my kids have been off since the 11th and are to return back to our normal schedule on the 22nd. Maw maw will probably still be with us so this should prove to be very interesting.

Here we go again

2008-08-26T21:49:00.002-05:00

It is that wonderful time of year again. School has started. That is bitter sweet for me. Glad to get back into a routine, but don't look forward to the stresses that school brings for some of my children. Kenton will be the only one doing baseball this season, kyle has opted to take archery. The only problem is that I have not been able to locate a place for him to do this. I am looking forward to Wed night bible study though. I am going to try this time to really commit. In the past with both boys playing ball it was almost impossible to not go to their games. This time even if Kenton has a game on Wed Kenny will be there so I can go to bible study.

Heavenly Father I thank you so much for all that you have blessed my family with. I look at all the things we have and think WOW!!!!
I thank you for my wonderful husband, and my great kids. Each one of them brings so much into my life. I thank you Lord for walking with me down the road of quitting my smoking habit. I thank you that we have good jobs and I have the flexibility that I have with mine.
Lord I thank you for healing Kyle's back and his lips. I know he is in pain and uncomfortable and I thank you that you do not want to see him suffer and that he will be healed. I thank you that he will have a wonderful year this year in school, that his stress level will not be so high, and he will do great. I thank you Lord that Kenton's attitude is getting better and that he will not have the "attitude" issues this year in baseball. I thank you Lord that Heather has more confidence in herself and will do so much better in school this year. I thank you Lord that Rachel is in college and will start to get her priorities in order and will be able to wake up on time, and that she will do great in school as well. I thank you Lord for dealing with Kenny's heart and that he will be doing the things that he needs to do to grow closer to you and not be impacted by all the negative things in this world. I thank you that I have been smoke free for 29 days without even one puff. That is a miracle that only you could preform. I thank you for being a God who desires to have a relationship with his people. I love you Lord and I am so grateful to you and for you. I thank you for all these things and more in Jesus Holy Name...AMEN

How the bible is speaking to me

2008-08-12T20:43:00.003-05:00

The challenge is this. What scripture/passage is speaking to me right now.
There are two. All emphasis are mine.
"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds;and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:22-24
I am a new creation in Christ and it is high time I started acting like it. There are many "old" things that I am taking off right now. Smoking, easy to anger, and being in control of my life. The steps that are being taken are...
I have quit smoking, I pray constantly which prevents angry outburst and I have totally surrendered my body, mind, and spirit to God. He is in control, I do nothing with out talking to him first.

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:58

I am standing firm in what I am doing to put off the old and put on the new. I will not let anything get in the way. I know that the only way to achieve this is to be in constant fellowship with my Lord and Savior. Pray and his word.

To God all the Glory for the things he has done. I am nothing and can do nothing on my own. God is the only one who can change me, all I have to do is let him.

Being Broken

2008-08-11T22:22:00.003-05:00

As I was doing my bible study tonight about Brokenness: The key to victory. There was a new light shed on things for me. A way of understanding what Christ really died for. It happened so long ago it seems like it is not real. It is great to know that Christ died for our sins, so if we believe that we get to go to heaven. Ok that is true but it goes deeper than that. He died for all of our sins. Past, present and future. Each sin that is committed causes him pain, almost like we are hitting the nail ourselves each time we sin. Habitual sin is like crucifying him myself. Christ is not a "get into Heaven" free card. I now have a new outlook on my actions and what it really means when I sin. Yes I am forgiven but look at the cost.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I ask that you please forgive me for taking your for granted. Not only am I a sinner but a habitual sinner. God I never really understood the depths of what my sin did to you. For me you died so that I may live and yet I continue on doing my own things for myself. God I humble myself before you and beg for forgiveness. I know it is mine, but I am so undeserving of your overflowing, gracious, unfailing love. I thank you that you made me and I wish to worship you forever. Show me Lord my sins so that I may repent and turn away from them. God you are more to me than I deserve and I am forever your humble servant.

In Jesus precious name I pray...AMEN

My date with my wonderful husband

2008-08-09T23:05:00.004-05:00

Thank you Lord for my husband. I had such a wonderful time with him today. We went to the park and I enjoyed his company and your wonderful works of art. The trees, flowers, animals. It is so amazing to me just the beauty of it all. We took a lot of pictures so we can remember.I love Kenny so much and I am so thankful that you love me as much as you do just to give him to me. He is such a blessing to me and the kids. God I pray right now that Kenny see himself through your eyes. To not only see your love but to feel it as well.

You are truely an awesome God and I give you all the praise and glory for all that you have done.

God Whispers

2008-08-08T23:04:00.002-05:00

I started taking Chantix. This is medication for people who are trying to quit smoking. One of the side effects is nausea. After the 3rd day that night I was laying in bed trying to sleep but the nausea was keeping me awake. I was praying and asking God to take the feeling away because I couldn't sleep and had to get up so early in the morning. God in his awesome wonder took me down the path I was headed on before I submitted to him.
I saw myself with cancer. I was on Chemo or radiation not sure which. I could barely walk with a walker, my hair was stringy and thin, I looked awful. I saw my kids faces and Kenny having to take care of me. It was not a pretty path I was looking at. Then God whispered to me. Take my hand and follow me on the path I have for you.
I am holding his hand,and each day is a new day that he has blessed me with. I am here for a reason and it is not my kids, my husband, my job or anything else. The reason I am here is for Gods Glory.

Dear God

2008-08-08T17:38:00.004-05:00

Lord you have brought me so far in such a short amount of time. I am so thankful for that. When I look at my life through my "human"eyes I see that nothing has really changed. Rachel is still doing the same things that stress me and her daddy out, which causes distension in the home. Kenny is still spending to much time on the computer, the boys are still acting out, my job is still the same with its own stresses. All this I see with my "human" eyes and think...God is not answering my prayers. Oh but you are. When I look at things with the eyes of the Holy Spirit I see things from your perspective. You have drawn me closer to you than I have ever been, I am truly starting to understand what it means to have a relationship with you. Kenny is praying a bit more and has even mentioned getting closer to you. Rachel is going to go to counseling, and the boys,well.....
I have been smoke free for 11 days, which could and would not have been done with out you in control. I am learning to let go and let you have control of my life and all of my life. God you are a great and wonderful God, I don't deserve to have you in my life and yet you are here not because you have to be but because you WANT to be. I have never had that kind of love from anyone besides Kenny.
God I am your humble servant and I am forever gratefully for all that I have gone though, the good and the bad and I will embrace what you have for me in the future. That sounds so scare, but I know that you will always be here and everything that we endure is for your glory and our growth.
I pray that I continue to have this incredible desire for you and that the rest of my family soon catches that desire as well. My prayer Lord tonight is to bring my house under your total control. That you be the head and we follow that lead. May Kenny, Rachel, Heather, Kyle and Kenton realize that you are the only thing that can satisfy their inner longings. May they reach out to you and grow closer to you.
All for your glory
Your Humble Servant
Stephanie

Being a Light

2008-08-03T20:45:00.000-05:00

Today I feel very cranky. I know it is withdraw and I can accept that. I just want it to be over and start to feel better, more like normal. I want more energy,enthusiasm, and a sense of well being. I feel like I am up one minute and then blah another. I am doing the Breath of Life study and it is helping me in my relationship with God. I must confess that it seems so drastic but then I know in my heart that is what God has called us to be for him. It is so easy to get caught up in the everyday life of things that God just becomes part of my "to do" list. He is not to do but to live. All the time for every reason. I forget that he already knows everything including my thoughts and my heart and so I think I am fooling him sometimes with my busyness. What I am really doing is fooling myself and ignoring my Savior. I wonder why I am in the mess I am in...well duh, I have put living my life according to God on the back burner and just started living my life the way I want to. God is moving in me and this type of behavior is no longer acceptable.
God, I come to you and ask for your forgiveness for living my life according to my own desires and not the desires that you have for me. God I have abused my body, mind and spirit for so many years and right now I surrender my body, mind and spirit to you as a living sacrifice. I am dead to my old ways and living for you. God, grant me the grace and mercy that will be needed for me to live this way. I can not do this without you Lord, I can accomplish nothing without your grace and mercy. I as Lord that you show me your ways and guide me in your truths. I know you have asked me not to do certain things at work anymore and to approach my boss about it. God, you know how hard that is going to be. I have complete faith in you and I will obey you. I am your light, living in a dark world. Forgive me for hiding that light. I want to shine for you everywhere I go. God, I am surrounded by darkness, not just at work but at home as well. I beg you God, please grant me mercy and grace that I may live the life you want me to live for you. I am afraid that I won't be able to do this. I know that fear is not of you God. Right now In Jesus name I will not live my life in fear but in the light and glory of Jesus Christ. Fear is a tool of satan and I will not succumb to it. I will live my life as a light for God. Lord I thank you for giving me this desire, now I ask that you give me the courage. In Jesus name I pray... AMEN

Praising God

2008-08-01T20:43:00.000-05:00

God, I praise you for all that you are doing. Praise you Lord for my husband. He is such a wonderful man and I am blessed to be his wife. I thank you for taking care of him and loving him more than even I do.
I praise you God for my 5 wonderful children. They are healthy and they know you. Some may choose not to obey you but they do know who you are and what they should do in life. The boys are still learning but they are getting it.
I praise you for my house. The beautiful house that you gave us. Forgive me Father for not taking care of this blessing like I should. I praise you for our jobs. They may not be what we want but they are where you want us to be for your purpose.
I praise you for my health. Even though I have been in sin most of my life with cigarettes you have given me good health. I praise you God that I am on my way to becoming smoke free. On day 5 now and all for your Glory. This is not possible without you.
God you know the needs of this house not just financially but spiritually and emotionally as well. Guide us Lord that we may be better stewards of these things for one another.
I thank you and give you all the praise and glory.. In Jesus Name ... AMEN

Feeling BLAH

2008-07-30T20:57:00.000-05:00

I am feeling so blah today. I am not sad or depressed nor am I happy or joyful. I feel like I am just existing. I am sure it is because i quit smoking. Praise God for that and i know that these feelings will give way in his time. I must spend time with God to hear what he is trying to teach me at this moment. I have been reading his word everyday(which is a miracle in itself) and I am praying more than I ever have. I am learning to be dependant on God. I have always depended on myself to get things done, but now I know that I can not do life on my own with God in the back ground. He MUST be in the lead.
Dear Lord,
I am here waiting to hear from you. I know you are there, but waiting to see if I will stop and listen. God I am listening, what is it you want me to understand, learn, or do? I am your servant and will follow you Lord. Show me the way you want me to go.
I pray Lord that I will continue to grow closer to you and that my family will also. You and you alone can satisfy all our needs. Open the eyes that are blinded Lord, that they may see this too.
I thank you for Kenny who is a wonderful husband, for Chad, Rachel, Heather, Kyle and Kenton. You have so blessed me in so many ways.
I thank you Lord for loving me so much that you would take me out of the bondage of smoking which I have done for so long.
I praise you and thank you in Jesus name...AMEN

God's Pure Grace

2008-07-29T20:55:00.000-05:00

God's pure grace is saving my life in more than just eternal. His grace is allowing me to break free of the habitual sin of smoking. He is breaking the stronghold in my life, i know that others will follow during this transformation that God is carrying me through.
God I thank you so much for what you are doing in my life right now and for what you will continue to do in my life until the very end. I so long to be your servant, I am learning God to be obedient to you, show me the way Lord. I am becoming smoke free to glorify your name and for my family which you have entrusted to me Lord. I thank you for giving me the desire to quit, to humble myself and lay down my sin at the cross for the blood of Jesus to cover. i love you Lord and I lift your name on high. Praise you God for giving me what I don't deserve and could never earn.
I pray right now Father for Kenny. He prayed last night and is trying to get closer. Lord guide him in your ways. Show me God what I can do as his wife and helpmate, but not to overstep you. I pray that Kenny's relationship with you grows in ways that I can not even imagine. I pray for Rachel to open her spiritual eyes and ears so that she can hear you guiding her life. I ask that you remove any obstacle that stands between you and her. I pray for Heather, that her focus is on you and not on boys. That she will spend time in the word and grow closer to you. I pray for Kyle, he is starting to go through a confusing time in his life and I pray that you help him through that. Show him you are there, lead him in your ways. Lord help me as his parent to bring him closer to you. I pray for his salvation, that he understands what it means and that going to church does not get him in heaven or save him from eternal hell. I pray for Kenton, that he may feel the love of you God. I know as his mom I have not always done the right thing by him. I loose my temper with him way to often. God heal his heart and let him know that he is loved by you and me. I pray that I will better understand how he ticks and be able to show him the love that he deserves. I pray for his salvation and that I may be able to show him the love of Jesus with the help of the Holy Spirit. I pray for Emilia. God she is lost and is being deceived by religion. I pray that her time here will open her eyes to the truth. That you and only you are the way the truth and the life. I pray for her salvation as well.
God thank you for the abundant blessings that you have given my family. We don't deserve them but we do appreciate them and are so very grateful.
I pray these things in Jesus name...AMEN

My first smoke free day

2008-07-28T20:54:00.000-05:00

Praise you Lord for all that you do, I don't deserve any of it and yet through your love, mercy and grace you give so abundantly to me. I lift your name on high, higher than anything else in my life. You are God the one and only God. Thank you for creating me to love you and to desire to have a relationship with you.
Today was my first day of being smoke free. I am so blessed to be walking with God this time instead of trying to do it alone. I am not saying it is easy, but it is worth it. To rid myself of continual sin, breaking free form the bondage that has had a hold on me for 23 years. This is only possible with God. I can not and would not be able to do this on my own. I didn't really even have the true desire to quit. I knew I should for obvious reasons but my heart was not in it. God placed the true desire in me, a desire that only he can quench. Cigarettes will not quench my thirst, desire or need for God.
Heavenly Father,
I praise you tonight for the work you have started in me. It says in your word that you will finish the work you start. I am so looking forward to what you have for me in this life. I am your humble servant with the desire to worship you and to live my life according to your will. Show me God what you want me to do, how to walk in your ways and not stray on my own path. May i no ever feel like I can do this alone. I can do nothing without you Lord and I know that. Let me see temptation for what it is and not succumb to it. Give me the strength Lord to overcome my advisories no matter what they are. Give me the courage to speak of you and to go out and share you with others.
My lesson talked about a radical change. I want to be radical for you God. I know that may sound cliché, but for lack of better words. I want to serve you like I never have. I know God that it starts at home. I must serve my husband and my children in the same manner as Christ would. Show me that also God. How to serve my family that will bring them closer to you. Let them see you in me, that I may be the light.
I love you Lord and thank you so much for my health, Kenny's health and the kids health.
I pray that I become the servant, wife and mother that you created me to be.
In Jesus Name... AMEN

Into the Light

2008-07-22T20:45:00.000-05:00

God,
I am so ready to come into the light and live for you and you alone. To relinquish my fears of becoming an outcast or someone who is looked down upon. Lord in this I want to give you all the Glory which I can't do if no one knows about it. Give me the strength to confess my sins to others. Give me the courage to speak up when asked for prayer request. I don't really care what people think of me generally but in church I do; forgive me for that. That is just another example of me living in darkness. God I thank you for loving me and never giving up on me. I need you Lord, and I know that you are here.
God I also pray for Kenny, open his eyes Lord and his spiritual ears so that he may hear you. I don't want it to take something devastating to wake him up. Lord it is not just his life at stake here, our children need a daddy and I need my husband. Show me Lord what you would have me do to be a helpmate to my husband. Give me the desire to do what it takes to be the wife that you have called me to be. On that note Lord also show me what I need to be doing to be the mother you have called me to be. Sometimes I feel like I have so much to take care of. Quitting smoking, learning how to cook and buy groceries so that my husband eats healthier and reduces his chances of having a major heart attack, raising my kids and spending time with them, teaching them things they need to know, working,paying bills, budgeting and being a mother/wife to my husband.
God I know that I am not alone and you don't give us more than we can Handel, but I do know that we can put more on ourselves than we can Handel. Show me God areas that I need to change. Rocks that I need to unload that are not mine to carry.
I ask all these things in Jesus Holy name...AMEN

First day on my journey to being a quitter

2008-07-21T20:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Lord,
I am so thankful that you love me and you will never quit. I am thankful that you have sent people in my life that will help me on this journey to becoming smoke free. I can do all things through Christ Your Son, who gives me strength. Strength that can not be found anywhere else, but only through the blood of Jesus Christ. I praise you Lord for laying down your son's life for mine. I am not worthy nor will I ever be, I thank you for your grace and mercy and above all your love.I pray for my friend Sarah who is also quitting. God I ask that you give her peace and strenghth. I ask that you give both of us the wisdom to know when we are being attacked by Satan, and the courage to cry out to you Lord, and not a cigarette. You are the God of the most high, the only God and I praise your name.
God you know the struggles that lie before me. You know the struggles I have now. Peace is what I seek. Not to get overwhelmed with life and its demands God. To be so in tuned with you that I don't worry about things, but trust in you for all things.
I pray for Kenny and you know those prayers God. I pray for Rachel, Heather, Kyle and Kenton. My I set an example for them that will draw them closer to you. For you , all the Glory. In Christ Jesus Name I pray...AMEN

Search me O Lord

2008-07-20T20:48:00.000-05:00

God,
Search my heart Lord and find anything that is not pleasing to you. Show me what I need to change to honor you. I thirst for you God, show me in your word your ways and your will in my life. I want to drink from the "living water" so I may thirst no more. Giving into my selfish desires of the flesh will only lead me back down that dark road. Reveal to me God the things I need to know in order to have the relationship with you that I desire so much. Help me Lord not to give into the temptaion to smoke, be negative, mean spirited. Hold my tounge Lord if there is nothing good on my lips.
Thank you God for all the wonderful people and resources that you have made available to me,may I remember that nothing replaces you God. I want you to be the center and reason for all the I do. I want to honor and glorify you. You alone are worthy and anything that is done in me is only possible with you. I can do nothing on my own and I ask for guiadance and support as I am growing in you. Thank you God for loving me so much and for creating me for your purpose.
I ask these things in Jesus Name...AMEN

Why is praying so hard?

2008-07-19T20:50:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I am finding it so hard to pray out loud. I can pray in my head but there are too many thoughts that crowd out my prayers. I can journal my prayers but then I get writters cramp and stop so here I am blogging my prayers. I don't understand why it is that when I try to pray outloud I just kind of freeze up. Maybe it is just that I don't think it is good enough or hearing my self turns me off to praying. What ever the reason I just ask for forgiveness for not praying like I should.
I will be back in a bit for my first prayer blog.

Having a bad Day

2008-07-19T20:49:00.000-05:00

Lord,
For some unknown reason I have had such a bad day today. I woke up angry and mad at the world including you. Father I ask right now for your forgiveness. Please forgive me for cussing you and for all the hateful things I said to Kenny. I thank you Lord that he loves me and is with me no matter how stupid I act. I am also having trouble with dealing with Rachel. Please give me wisdom and guidance with her. You know what I want to do, but show me what YOU want me to do. I am getting my RX today so I can quit smoking. I will suceed with your help and for your glory. Thank you Lord for all that you have done in my life. I pray that I am on the road to a closer relationship with you and that I will continue to read your word and pray on a daily basis. Guide me God in your will for my life, and open my spiritual eyes and ears so that I will know it is of you and not of me. In all things I do I want to glorify you. I pray and believe these things in Jesus Name...AMEN

Thank you Lord

2008-07-18T20:52:00.000-05:00

Thank you Lord for answering my prayers. The ultrasound found nothing. Praise you!!!!
I am so grateful that you are faithful even when we are not. God this has really shown me that I need you in my life 24/7 not just in time of need but in all times. Help me Lord make you a priority and give me a thirst for you that only you can quench. I pray these things in Jesus name AMEN.
P.S I am cleaning my room now so I can have my "God" space back. I miss it there.

I want to be a quitter

2008-07-18T20:46:00.000-05:00

I have this horrible habit that is not pleasing to God or myself. I smoke...
I am well aware of the consequences of this action and yet I continue to do it anyway. On Friday my dr found a lump in my breast and that got me to thinking about what would happen to my family if I died. I went and had an ultrasound and they didn't find anything. PRAISE GOD!!!! But I am still not treating my body as the temple of Christ. I must quit smoking for so many reasons but the # 1 reason is to Glorify God, #2 is for myself and my health and #3 is for my family. So I got a RX for Chantix. I will start taking it on Monday July 21st. My first official day of not smoking will be July 28th. You continue to smoke the first week you start the meds.

God I am so scared

2008-07-17T20:51:00.000-05:00

God,
I am so scared right now. I am having my ultrasound to day to determine what this lump in my breast is. God, you know that I have a wonderful family that needs me right now. I pray that you will give me peace and that Satan has not hold over my body, mind or spirit. You are the living God and will be with me always. You will not leave me or forsake me, because you said so in your word. I trust and have faith that you will take care of my body and anything that may be there you will heal with your loving hand. May I learn to take every thought captive and give you all the glory and praise. Thank you God for the beautiful children that you have blessed me with and their health. I praise you for giving me Kenny who is a wonderful husband and father. You have given me so many things God and know that I am so grateful for them all.
I pray and accept these things in Jesus name
AMEN

Tough realization

2008-05-14T12:50:00.000-05:00

Ok so this is not the first time I have realized this nor is it the first time I have tried to change it. I am not a man, therefore I can not be in control of my household. Yes my place is in the home , but i so need to relenquish the responsibilty to DH since he is the one who will stand before God and have to answer for his house. I don't know how to do this so it is only with the strenght that can come from God that I will be able to place myself where God intends for me to be.
God
Kenny
Stephanie
Kids
That is the proper order of things.
We are a work in progress and I so want to see some results. I know I just started building my relationships again with God and DH, but I need some encouragement that I am doing ok.

God,
You know my heart better than I do, please just let me know that I am on the right track. I so want to be closser to you ,kenny and the kids. You are the only one that can make that kind of happiness happen. I trust in you and depend on you for this. I am a work in progress God, mold me, and make me into the woman, wife, mother that you want me to be. You created me for a purpose that will Glorify your name. I want to be that woman living out your purpose.
Show me Lord where I need to change, my words, actions, dress, attitude, time mangement. Lead me God onto the path that goes to you. Reminde me Lord to lean on you. Thump me when I start relying on self instead of you. You know who and what needs changing and I trust that your will be done.

Weekend Meltdown

2008-05-12T14:09:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I had a major meltdown this weekend. I have been so mad at Kenny lately and really didn't know why. Come to find out that I am really not mad at him, but have trouble really beleiving that he loves me. Sounds so silly I know, you would think that after all we have been through I would know by now. So anyway, after much talking and crying I realize that I do stupid stuff to test his love for me. I am always just waiting for him to walk out the door. This stems from my Dad doing that about 20 times. It is so hard to trust that my wonderful dh wont do the same thing. I know he is not my dad , or even like him in anyway, but the fear is still there nontheless. I have been in much prayer lately and that has helped. (duh!!!) We talked a lot and were even able to have an intimate moment. I know he was glad, and so was I. I still have a long way to go because not only am I so afraid that he is going to leave, i am also afraid that I am not good enough. I will never be skinny enough, smart enough, effecient enough... Such a struggle for me. No one makes me feel that way, it is just inbred in me from my raising. Leaning on God is just as hard for the same reasons.

So daily and often prayer and looking at me through God and Kenny's eyes are my goals right now.

How to Die?

2008-05-08T12:51:00.000-05:00

It is weighing heavy on my heart that I need to die to myself. I have become so self absorbed and really selfish in my way of thinking. It really hit me this morning as Kenny and I are getting ready for work and he is going on and on about what Rachel is doing. I am so not a morning person so that annoyed me to begin with, but he was not understanding why she is doing what she is doing, I try to tell him it is because she loves this boy. That didn't go over very well. Anyway, in my mind I was thinking after what I did for you last night the least you could do for me is to be in a better mood in the morning. I didn't even get a "Good morning Honey, a kiss or hug " Nothing!!! Just him griping about the kids. So of course since i am thinking I am not getting what I deserve, I am mad at him and can't wait for him to leave and go to work.

On my way to work, God starts dealing with me. It is so not about me, nothing is. Everything I do is for Jesus, not me. I really don't deserve anything, all that I have is a blessing and if I am feeling like I am not being blessed enough then maybe I need to take a good look at how I am living my life and who I am living my life for . Is it me or God????

So how to die to self... There should be a 12 step program for this.
Step one- Pray with a right heart. If my heart is not right do the necessary steps to make it right. Humbleness comes to mind with this.
Making my heart right...

My first post.

2008-05-07T13:33:00.000-05:00

Well today I spent more time than any human should trying to figure out how to do this blog thing. I want to change my background but have yet to figure that one out. I am doing this for many reasons but the main reason is for THERAPY.

Since time is a huge issue for me(the lack of) I have decided to save some time and money and just talk it out. Lucky for anyone who reads this.